"The Dot". Every girl gets it, no girl wants it.
(I'm trying to be very delicate and non descriptive while writing this post. Which is probably why it's taking me so long... type...erase...type...erase, but I think I have the hang out it now.)
The dot takes on a completely different meaning after you are married (or sexually active whatever the case may be), for me it was after marriage.
About every 14-20 days, since the blissful day of May 13, 2008, I start to worry that my dot will not show up. The first few months this led to many late night E.P.T. purchases which led to J telling me to stop buying E.P.T.'s.
I didn't listen.
This led to J setting a "can purchase by ______" date. This was the day that I was allowed to buy an E.P.T. if my dot had not shown up.
This effectively stopped my E.P.T. purchases, and also saved us a fair amount of money.
There is a complete mixture of emotions that arrives with the onset of my dot. The first is usually disappointment. Disappointment that my unpredictable emotions and sudden irritability is not a symptom of pregnancy, merely a consequence of the dot. Disappointment that nine months from now I will not have a little muffin in my arms, merely a bag full of dot stoppers. Disappointment that J was right... again.
But by the time I've unwrapped said dot stopper my brain tells my emotions to quickly change from disappointment to relief.
How could we handle a muffin right now?
How could I work and have a muffin?
How could we afford a muffin?
Those questions and doubts always make me accept my dot for what it is.
However, those same questions and doubts are never more powerful than my innate desire to have a muffin...or seven.
Lately... let's just say J and I have been less than careful about not making muffins. This makes the dot so much more powerful. Now the dot brings a vicious onslaught of new emotions...fear, anxiety, worry, disappointment. Now the questions are:
Why does the dot keep coming?
Will the dot never end?
What if I can't make my own muffins?
I know I shouldn't be worrying about this too much until J and I are ready to get serious about makin' us some muffins... I just can't help myself.
Will I be one of the hundreds, probably thousands, of aspiring muffin makers that can't make their own muffins?
And if I am, can I handle that?
Mentally? Physically? Spiritually?
I don't know that I can.
I don't think I'm strong enough right now to handle not being able to do the thing that I was born to do. I have always dreamed of being a muffin maker, muffin raiser, and having a house full of all different kinds of muffins.
And NO,
I am not announcing that we are trying to make muffins and can't.
I'm only expressing some emotions that come with my dot.
The dot takes on a completely different meaning after you are married (or sexually active whatever the case may be), for me it was after marriage.
About every 14-20 days, since the blissful day of May 13, 2008, I start to worry that my dot will not show up. The first few months this led to many late night E.P.T. purchases which led to J telling me to stop buying E.P.T.'s.
I didn't listen.
This led to J setting a "can purchase by ______" date. This was the day that I was allowed to buy an E.P.T. if my dot had not shown up.
This effectively stopped my E.P.T. purchases, and also saved us a fair amount of money.
There is a complete mixture of emotions that arrives with the onset of my dot. The first is usually disappointment. Disappointment that my unpredictable emotions and sudden irritability is not a symptom of pregnancy, merely a consequence of the dot. Disappointment that nine months from now I will not have a little muffin in my arms, merely a bag full of dot stoppers. Disappointment that J was right... again.
But by the time I've unwrapped said dot stopper my brain tells my emotions to quickly change from disappointment to relief.
How could we handle a muffin right now?
How could I work and have a muffin?
How could we afford a muffin?
Those questions and doubts always make me accept my dot for what it is.
However, those same questions and doubts are never more powerful than my innate desire to have a muffin...or seven.
Lately... let's just say J and I have been less than careful about not making muffins. This makes the dot so much more powerful. Now the dot brings a vicious onslaught of new emotions...fear, anxiety, worry, disappointment. Now the questions are:
Why does the dot keep coming?
Will the dot never end?
What if I can't make my own muffins?
I know I shouldn't be worrying about this too much until J and I are ready to get serious about makin' us some muffins... I just can't help myself.
Will I be one of the hundreds, probably thousands, of aspiring muffin makers that can't make their own muffins?
And if I am, can I handle that?
Mentally? Physically? Spiritually?
I don't know that I can.
I don't think I'm strong enough right now to handle not being able to do the thing that I was born to do. I have always dreamed of being a muffin maker, muffin raiser, and having a house full of all different kinds of muffins.
And NO,
I am not announcing that we are trying to make muffins and can't.
I'm only expressing some emotions that come with my dot.
4 comments:
Oh I don't think you need to worry just yet! However, if you are worried, I would recommend going to your OBGYN to get everything checked out. Make sure she/he checks your thyroid. It took us almost 2 years to get prego and part of the problem was that I had hypothyroidism. I hope that when you guys do start trying "officially", that everything works out for ya. Good luck!
haha! nicole this post made my day, you are hilarious and I totally miss you even if it has been like 5+ years since I have seen you. I definitely think about this, and no, we aren't trying at the moment, but it doesn't mean the emotions aren't there. but it's best not to stress, until the time is closer. I'm sure you will be fine, and the best muffin maker and raiser ever!! haha, love ya girl
I can sympathize with your situation, I was freaked out when it did not come. But when we did start trying and it would come, there were the many emotions to go through and for two years that's the way it went, wondering why not now? Why not us? Till when we did finally get pregnant we realized how perfect the timing was. Just one more of those little nuggets of how Heavenly Father is so much wiser than us. You guys will be great parents though! Muffins are so much fun!
all and I can say is I love you and I think you are hilarious. Also whenever you get the chance to raise your little muffin....you'll do great!
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