(This is going to be a very honest post. I've gotten a lot of comments that people like that I'm honest in my writing, but I also know that some people feel like this isn't the appropriate forum for expressing my true feelings. But the truth is, I'm just so crappy at writing in my journal that this is the way it has to be. I'm convinced that I'm not the only person who has had these feelings, so I hope if you do read this it will be with understanding.)
I thought becoming a mom would be a piece of cake for me. I've always wanted to be a mom and always had that care taker instinct. In fact some of my friends in High School occasionally called me mom. (Probably had a lot to do with the fact that I drove a mini van, but also because I liked to take care of people.)
The feelings I experienced after we had Harper were not at all what I had expected. It frightened me. I've never felt so insecure about myself, so overwhelmed and unprepared. There were quite a few days in the first couple of weeks where my last thought before I fell asleep at night was that I couldn't do this another day. I felt ashamed of having those feelings and wishing that my life was back the way it used to be before he was born.
I felt like the "normal" post pregnancy feelings were supposed to be overwhelming love and closeness for this being that you created and carried inside of you for 38 weeks. I thought you were supposed to feel joyful at becoming a new family of three. I felt the exact opposite. I didn't even feel that close to my baby. It didn't feel normal calling him "my son" or calling myself a "mom".
Now after 28 days and a sure regulation of my hormones... I'm beginning to feel a bit more secure in my new role as mommy. I'm beginning to get used to sleeping in 2-3 hour increments and I'm beginning to trust myself with this GINORMOUS responsibility.This morning as I was doing dishes and wondering how in the world I even had enough energy to stand at the sink for 30 minutes, I was processing some of these feelings. I have a much deeper appreciation and understanding of my own mother and some of her decisions. I have a small understanding (I don't know if understanding is the right word because I don't think I will ever completely understand it) of why she left. Maybe a better way to say it is I have more compassion for her and the decision she made to leave. I can't even count the number of women that told me after she left how many times they had wanted to do the exact same thing. Becoming a mom has helped me realize what a great responsibility and burden that all moms carry. I have to keep telling myself (every day, all day) that I can handle this responsibility. I'm sure as time goes on it will get easier. Although, as Aunt Wendy pointed out to me today "being a mom doesn't get easier, you just get better at it."
I've also realized in the past month how loved we are as a family. Whether it's been people from our ward bringing dinner and gifts or people from our families bringing dinner and a helping hand or a few of my friends that have come over to hold Harper while I shower... I have been overwhelmed with the amount of willing hands that have helped us get through this transition. I'm definitely not the kind of person who is willing to ask for help even when I need it really really bad, so to have all of this help without even asking for it has been humbling for sure. I'm sure this is just one lesson of many that I need to learn as a mom. I don't really know how to wrap up this post in a way that makes sense and brings it all together- but I have to end it now because Harper is waking up and will inevitability be hungry. Actually I think that's how I ended my last post... story of my new life as mommy.
9 comments:
He is nothing short of precious. I love that you wrote this, keep up the good work, you are a great mother.
He is too cute!!
I like that statement that it doesn't get earier, you just get better at it. Very true!
It is good to be honest about your feelings, and keep that up Jason too. When he's gone all day and comes home, tell him about what was a struggle, and what was joyful. Don't be embarraed or ashamed to say, today was hard because of this ___. Or to say today was awesome because of this___. It helps keep things in perspective, and it helps Jason know HOW and WHEN he can help both you and Harper.
Motherhood is definitely an adventure. I think once you feel like you've conquered one thing, or established a routine, he starts doing something new, or turns one or two and new things happen with that. You just keep learning to be better.
All those instincts you had in high school wil be so helpful! I'm sure you're a great mom! Keep up the good work :)
Ps: the word for the "verification" below to post this is "Blessin" - thought that was appropriate :)
Those pictures are so cute!! It's intresting how you have no way of preparing to be a mother. I felt and still feel the same way. I have always loved kids, and wanted to be a mom, but when I became one it was TOTALLY different. Some days are very hard to get through, but those days you just have to say a lot of prayers and He will help you get through it. It does get better as they get older, but the responsibility part is overwhelming at times. I think the first three months are the HARDEST so hang in there. Love ya tons!!
Hi Nicole! This is Stacie, from high school. I hope I have commented on your blog before now, because I have been reading it for awhile! I think you're great. And I felt the SAME EXACT way when Jett was born. It was so hard for me to talk about or explain to anyone. I felt awful. But I can say that it is completely different now. It took me awhile, but once he started responding back and I realized he was here to stay I started feeling much better! Harper is precious, and everything Zac and Chelsee said is right on! Thanks for letting me read your blog...
*Don't be confused if this says "talent sprouts". It is still Stacie. :)
You're in good company. I know lots of people who feel the same way. Take it as it comes and don't EXPECT yourself to feel any way. Just let it be. Love you!
He's starting to look a little like a Merrill...
Hello! You are soooooo not alone. I was actually shocked after I had my first. I was shocked at how disconnected I felt, to him. BUT, as Chelese said "the first three months are the hardest." And you're right, you get better at being a mom. I'm going on 3.5 years of broken sleep.......I may be crazy, but I am intact! I promise, it gets better, and easier. So much so that you'll consider having more children!!! It is so much easier the second time around. You have already made it through the habit forming part, and I'm sure Harper has your entire heart, and he will forever. He's absolutely adorable!
P.S. My word verification for this comment was "gasses." Appropriate for me, a mother of 2 boys.
Harper is such a cute baby! I was depressed for like 3 weeks after my second baby was born and so I kind of know how you have been feeling. But it does get better and better I promise! Being a mom is the greatest calling we can have as women and I'm sure you are doing your very best to fulfill that calling!
Getting into the swing of being a mom is definitely a hard adjustment with UPS and downs but definitely worth it. Harper is so cute!
Now would you like my honest truth? These are things I already think...and I'm not even a mom yet. How messed up is that? Is the "realistic" side of me coming out, I guess. I worry about the "connection" and my own selfish desires so have the simple life I lead. But even knowing these things, I still plan on being a mom someday because things just have a way of working themselves out and I can already tell something is just missing, ya know? I'm probably not at liberty to even type this since I have no kids, but at least now you know how crazy I am :) That should make you feel better!
PS You're a great mom. No doubt about it.
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